"I am fierce. I am large. I guard, I strut, I nap in style. The world is my sidewalk, and no cat-man shall pass."

Peanut’s Journal — A Day in the Life of a Californian Soul Trapped in the Midwest

Okay, so let me tell you how my day went because apparently no one else around here is keeping the record straight. Yesterday? Absolute chaos 

The day started off with Emma waking up groggy and headache-y. Again. Honestly, she needs to take better care of herself — maybe a spa day or at least more naps. I, of course, woke up flawless. I stretched, yawned, licked my paw, and side-eyed the stuffed bear she gave me for “emotional support” when she leaves me home alone. Which, rude. But fine. The bear is soft and smells like her, so I tolerate him.

Anyway, it was Yard Sale Day. Allegedly a big event. TWICE IN ONE SUMMER?   I need overtime pay! In reality? Pretty mid. A few old guys sniffed around — probably just drawn in by the golf clubs at the front. The only woman who showed up broke a tree. A TREE. Not even a real one — that sad Charlie Brown tree. Did Stacie demand payment? No. She just gave her dagger eyes like she was starring in a silent Western. Classic.

And don’t get me started on the guy who “bought” the golf clubs and said he’d be back with money. Lies. Lies and betrayal. I’d have peed on his tire if I’d been given the chance.

Then some people came just to see the flowers. Okay, fair. Emma does have a magical garden. One guy, Josh, mentioned his Ukrainian wife and gardening and schools and Joan of Arc — which sounded cult-y, but hey, I’m just a dog. I wagged, looked cute, and didn’t judge.

But THEN — oh my leash — this tall, stringy man with a gray bob and pointy nipples (I cannot unsee) shows up to tell Emma he’s been WATCHING HER GARDEN FOR YEARS. YEARS. That’s some true-crime energy. She was polite but stiff. Stacie and Judy thought he was flirting. I barked twice: once to say “Back off” and once to say “Sir, therapy is a thing.”

Then Judy offered lunch.  Emma went to Arby's with her. I stayed behind, guarding the house like a champ. Judy returned with food, none of which was for me. I will not forget.

I got many, many pets from Judy — she tried to STEAL me, in fact. And honestly? I considered it. She’s a wild card, but she spoils me. Emma snatched me back like, “By Dog, he’s mine!” Ugh, fine. Loyalty is exhausting.

The sale ended when the sky exploded in a storm. Thunder, wind, branches — the usual Midwest dramatics. After it cleared, we went to the park to inspect the mess. Branches everywhere. I sniffed, peed strategically, and did some perimeter checks. There were humans setting up for a concert.” If it’s not a beach rave in Santa Cruz, I don’t care. Still, the air smelled like rain and adventure, and I was living for it.

Back home, after dinner, Emma went to the garden (again), and I took up my post at the front door, noble and alert, as always. All was quiet—until it wasn’t.

Out of nowhere, strutting down my street like it was Hollywood Boulevard, came this… creature. I froze. My eyes said “man,” but my nose said “cat.” It had fur. Ears. A tail. And it walked on two legs like a person but with the attitude of a feline.

Was it a cat pretending to be a man? Or a man who wanted to be a cat? I’ll never know. All I know is, it activated every single alarm in my soul. I barked like it was the feline apocalypse. Emma laughed like I was the ridiculous one.

I was not. That was a cat-man. Or a man-cat. Either way, we are not safe.

Later, she watched “Orange is the New Black” and talked to her people. I was still emotionally recovering from Cat-Man. Netflix time is fine, but I wish she’d just light some candles and sit outside with me under the stars. There’s a soft California breeze I imagine on the wind. Someday, I’ll run free on a Malibu beach with no leash and a bandana blowing in the breeze.

Plans are being made for fall and winter parties (yes, plural). There’s talk of husbands and bonfires. I will be wearing a sweater. And probably supervising the grill — if she finally gets one.

Today she’s gardening at Dr. Cho’s — that place is a mess. I’ll stay home with Bear and nap on the couch like the regal, overlooked treasure I am. No social events for me today. Unless they involve sand, sea, and smoothies.

Until then,
— Peanut 🐾