For the love of dog, let me sleep and try to forget about this disturbing day.

Yesterday was a total catastrophe. It started deceptively nice — me, Benny, Eric, and Emma lounging in the backyard. I thought, “Okay, maybe they finally appreciate the majestic presence that is me.” But then… the betrayal began.

Emma loads me into the car — I think we’re going somewhere fabulous, maybe a puppuccino run. Oh no. We park at the park, and then… she WALKS me home. What is this? Was the car just for show? Some sort of weird human performance art? Who does that?

And then she dumps me with Bear. BEAR. That mute, brainless, overstuffed waste of fur. I tried to engage him. Politely at first — “Hey, what’s your deal?” Nothing. Then with authority — “Talk or else, fuzzball.” Still nothing. I pushed him off the couch. I assaulted him. No reaction. At this point I’m convinced he’s not alive, just a large taxidermy project gone wrong. Horrifying.

Meanwhile, Emma, Benny, and Eric are gone for what felt like three dog years. When Benny finally bursts back in, he looks like he’s survived a shipwreck. Turns out they strapped him in some kind of puffy torture vest and threw him into a river like an unwanted casserole. And not just any river — the duck-and-fish-poop kind. Apparently Eric tossed him in, made Emma go in too, and then swam with his face underwater like a lunatic sea creature. Disgusting. Did they think Benny was going to retrieve a trout for dinner?

And the worst part? They ended up right back at my nightmare spot — the very place Emma has tried to hurl me into the water before. Newsflash, humans: Chewy liked that cesspool. I. Do. Not. I am a California pool-and-bubble-bath kind of dog. Not a “marinate in wildlife excrement” kind of dog.

When they finally remembered to come home and feed me, I thought maybe the torment was over. Nope. Straight to bed. No snuggles. No couch time. No “Orange is the New Black” marathon on Emma’s overpriced couch. And then — the final insult — Eric’s “bedtime story.” With voices. Weird voices. Haunting voices. Voices that will follow me into my nightmares.

Honestly? I may never emotionally recover from this day.

Did I tell you how Eric regularly locks Benny in the basement.  My DOG!  The stories that dog has!